It was a revelation to me when I first recognised the sheer number of “should” statements I fired at myself. They were usually retrospective, as in “I should’ve done this” or “I shouldn’t have said that”. It was a pure form of self-punishment, and it was incessant.

But almost as damaging are projections into the future… “I should do this/that”, and the projections on to other people… “he/she/they should do this/that”.

When you step back and look at it, it’s very black and white thinking. It’s using absolutes in a world of infinite variables. When you use it on yourself, it’s punishing. When you use it on others, its judging.

Throw in the variations, such as “must” and “have to”, and you have a veritable arsenal to punish yourself and everyone around you. An arsenal that only builds resentment, negativity and reinforces a downward spiral of depression.

Listen to your own thoughts. Cultivate mindful awareness. Have a small part of your mind ticking over, like voice activation software waiting to hear a specific word. When you hear, “should/must/have to”, stop and think. Challenge the thought with curiosity and compassion. Try not to instantly spiral off into other negative thoughts, such as, “there I go again with my “shoulds”, because that only compounds the problem.

Consider where the “should” came from. It’s a belief. You weren’t born with cognitive beliefs. Something or someone put them there. Often they’re ingrained at an early age, which is why we simply act on them, believing that they’re just “us”. But they’re not. Inspect them. Challenge them, gently. Imagine what it would be like if you did the opposite of the “should”, or let other people “get away with” whatever it is they “shouldn’t” be doing. How does that feel? Uncomfortable? Yes! But curiously liberating? Yes!

Doing this is effortful. It takes energy to think. Fortunately, like any skill, it becomes easier over time. The dividend is that you’ll free yourself from the shackles of someone else’s beliefs that you’ve internalised. You’ll be liberated and a step further away from depressive, ruminative thoughts.